Family Had You on My Mind. Love Ya

Dear songs are where nosotros get our passion, our soul — and most of our worst ideas.

Nothing good can come of this. Photo past Achim Voss/Flickr.

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Throughout human history, oceans have been crossed, mountains have been scaled, and great families have blossomed — all because of a few uncomplicated chords and a melody that inflamed a centre and propelled it on a noble, romantic mission.

On the other paw, that time you told that girl y'all just started seeing that you would "catch a grenade" for her? You lot did that because of a beloved vocal. And information technology wasn't exactly a coincidence that she suddenly decided to "lose your number" and move dorsum to Milwaukee to "figure some stuff out."

"Information technology'southward just, my mom. Yous know? And L.A. is so hot in the summer. And aye, my mom." Photo via iStock.

That time you held that boom box over your head outside your ex'southward firm? You lot did that because of a dear song. And 50 hours of community service later, you're even so not back together.

Dear songs are great. They make our hearts beat faster. They inspire the states to take risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give us terrible, terrible ideas about how actual, existent-life human relationships should work.

They're amazing. Then amazing. And as well terrible.

Here are six love songs that sound romantic just aren't, and one song that doesn't sound romantic but totally is:

1. "God Only Knows," by The Beach Boys

You can keep your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Get Arounds," and your "Assistance me Rhondas."

When it comes to The Beach Boys, "God Only Knows" is where it'south at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy tune. A tie-dye swirl of sound. A landscape of haunted innocence with some of the most heartrending lyrics ever committed to the back of a surfboard.

Youth! Youth! Youth! Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images.

Hither's why information technology sounds romantic:

I may non always love y'all

Only long every bit in that location are stars above you

Y'all never need to doubt it

I'll make you then certain about it

God merely knows what I'd be without you

If you're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your beloved and non playing "God Only Knows" on your iPod, you should actually stop and outset over.

If you're lazily bumping a embankment ball over a volleyball net and "God Only Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the back of your heed, you need to rethink the choices that got you to this signal.

If you're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and you're not underscoring it with the opening chords of "God Only Knows," you lot are doing information technology wrong.

Hippies, likely on their mode to a mud frolic. Photo by Colin Davey/Getty Images.

It'south a vocal that but feels like honey. Pure love. Young dear. Love with a chill, kelp-y vibe.

What could be incorrect with that?

Here'southward why information technology's actually actually, actually unromantic:

There's cypher wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-meridian notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their pilus every bit they autumn asleep while you whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.

"Miles Ryan stood on the dorsum porch of his firm, smoking a cigarette..." Photo past hatchettebookgroup.biz.

But there is such a thing equally loving someone a skosh likewise much.

If y'all should ever leave me

Though life would still get on believe me

The earth could show zip to me

So what adept would living exercise me?

Look, I go it. Breakups suck. There's no getting around that. But skilful God.

There's a huge difference between saying: "Hey babe, yous are my showtime and foremost everything and I'll be bummed if y'all go." And saying: "Welp, y'all accustomed that job in Seattle, so I'yard just gonna chug a agglomeration of nightshade and call it a life."

Simply that's pretty much the gist here. Which makes this line...

God merely knows what I'd exist without yous

...horror-motion picture creepy. Considering the answer, plain, is: "I'd exist a corpse!"

Ah well. Nosotros had a good run. Photo via iStock.

That's not dear. That's codependency (to put it mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. Information technology's a grade of emotional abuse.

Investing all your happiness and sense of self-worth in any relationship — one that, past definition, might one 24-hour interval cease — is putting a lot of eggs in i handbasket. Sure, God may only know what you'd be without her, but God probably likewise hopes you have, I don't know, some hobbies. Accept a yoga grade. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.

"Yeah! Hell yep! What was her proper name once again?" Photograph past Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Administration.

One person cannot exist anyone's be-all and end-all. It'southward besides stressful. And information technology prevents you lot from doing y'all, which is a thing that'southward gotta exist washed earlier you tin practise anything else.

No wonder she took that chore in Seattle.

2. "Treasure," past Bruno Mars

Certain, information technology'southward a breathy rip off of every Michael Jackson song yous've ever heard. But, nosotros don't accept Michael Jackson anymore, and as tribute acts get, yous could practise a lot worse than Bruno Mars.

Look at that face. That face! Photograph past Brothers Le/Flickr.

Here'south why the song sounds romantic:

Treasure, that is what you are

Honey, you lot're my gold star

You lot know you lot tin make my wish come true

If you lot allow me treasure you

If you let me treasure you

Pass those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an 8th-grade make-out party and yous'll likely become an instant toll pass on the highway to tongue-town (ew).

Pass them to your spouse and, chances are, appointment night is going to culminate in 47 minutes of celibate-all the same-passionate frenching.

Pass them to a cop who pulls you over for running a terminate sign, and they volition think you're weird — but probably nevertheless brand out with you.

In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to make out with America because of this vocal.

This is what happens when y'all write "Treasure" and you lot're on phase with Michelle Obama. Photograph by Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.

And I'm OK with that.

Merely, here'southward why "Treasure" isn't as romantic as it seems:

Everything about "Treasure" is retro. Everything.

Including its attitudes about gender.

"Children, take I ever told you what I shouted at your mother on the street the beginning time we met?" Photo by Jacobsen/Getty Images.

Things get-go to become s right from the very beginning:

Give me your, give me your, give me your attention, baby

I gotta tell you a little something about yourself

Ah aye. Nil screams "respect" quite like a man lecturing a strange woman on the street about something she "doesn't know most herself."

What could it be? Could it exist that her jokes are funny? Could it be that she'southward got something in her teeth? Could it be that her nonfiction book about early modern German history is extremely detailed and informative?

"Thanks for teaching me all nearly Martin Luther's bible!" Photo past Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Commons.

Spoiler Alert: Information technology's none of those.

You're wonderful, flawless, ooh, you're a sexy lady

But you walk around here similar you wanna be someone else

Oh. It'south that she's sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.

Word of communication? Regardless of how she'due south walking, the lady knows she's sexy. Even if she doesn't, it really doesn't touch her day-to-solar day and so much that you, a consummate stranger, demand to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).

So what if she does want to be someone else? I'd beloved to be someone else! I think being Ryan Gosling would be quite nice. A good mode to spend a three-day weekend.

Sure, there'd be an adjustment menstruum... Photo past Eamonn K. McCormack/Getty Images.

And so later, of form, the narrator tin can't aid himself:

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty daughter, yous should be smiling

A girl like you should never look and so blueish.

He respects her and so much, he's actually straight-up telling her to grinning! Much similar Mars' character "Uptown Funk," who appears to go off on angrily exhorting girls to "hit [their] hallelujah." Which, you know, I guess everybody's got a thing.

Yes, in the world of "Treasure," a healthy relationship is an unending stream of a homo complimenting a strange woman and said adult female being so totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex."

He and then proceeds to talk to his potential lover similar the world's creepiest pirate:

You are my treasure, you lot are my treasure

You are my treasure, yeah, you, yous, y'all, you are

Y'all are my treasure, you lot are my treasure

You are my treasure, yeah, you, you, yous, you are

By this betoken, in his mind, she's a literal affair. An object. Which is fitting.

I suppose it could be worse, though. At least she's not but any thing.

GIF from "The Two Towers."

That's ... something, correct?

three. "Don't Think Twice, It'due south All Right," by Bob Dylan

For as long as humans have been dating each other, humans have been breaking upward with each other. And "Don't Think Twice" is a portrait of a relationship going down in flames. Glorious, poetic, audio-visual flames.

Bob Dylan, a guy who is good at writing songs that a lot of people like. Photo past William Lovelace/Getty Images.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

Well, it ain't no utilize to sit and wonder why, babe

Even you don't know by at present

And information technology ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe

It'll never practice somehow

When your rooster crows at the break of dawn

Look out your window, and I'll exist gone

You're the reason I'm a-traveling on

But don't think twice, information technology's all correct.

Boom. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits situation similar whoa.

"Don't Retrieve Twice" is a raw vocal. An honest vocal. A powerful vocal. It's the song your older sis played on continuous loop for half-dozen months after her boyfriend left for college. The song that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to go out her bank-teller job, load her four Australian shepherds into the van, and open up a air current chime store in Mendocino. The song your friend's cool dad always wants to play when he invited your loftier school band over to his apartment to jam.

"What timbre are you looking for?" Photo past Sharon Ang/Pixabay.

Sure, it's most the terminate of a relationship, but information technology sounds romantic. And at the terminate of the day, shouldn't that be enough?

Hither's why it'due south actually sooooo messed upwards:

Relationships stop. For a lot of reasons. And while there is no correct way to telephone call information technology quits with someone, when the dust settles, both parties can certainly do good from a difficult, honest word about what went wrong.

Information technology's not me, Joan. It's you. 100% you. Photograph past Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.

In "Don't Call up Twice," that word basically boils downwardly to: "It's your fault."

Let'southward review the reasons the dude in "Don't Think Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:

I gave her my heart, but she wanted my soul

Ugh, women, right? Yous're all like, "Babe, I simply have and then much unspecified love to requite," and she's like, "Take out the trash!" And you're like, "Simply baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my heart be enough?" And she'south like, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole house, fed the dog, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the week. All I need y'all to do is take out the trash." And you're like, "Y'all're bumming me out. I'm gonna go play guitar." And then she gets all mad! What did you practice? Why is she trying to modify you? UGH!

You could accept washed amend, but I don't mind

Yes. You exercise mind! You listen! You wrote a song almost it, you passive-aggressive prick.

You just kinda wasted my precious time

Ah yes. Your fourth dimension is so precious! Call back nearly all the hours you wasted plumbing the ocean-deep, ecstatic mysteries of homo partnership when you lot could accept been futzing around with that habitation-brew kit.

Yes, this was worth it. Photo by Pecker Bradford/Flickr.

The infinitesimal you start breaking it downwards, the bulletin of "Don't Think Twice" suddenly starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sister's ex-boyfriend, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in town for a while and now might exist in jail. Like your aunt's wind chime shop, which would have closed forever ago had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Similar your friend's cool dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying kid support.

"You kids want a beer? No one'southward under 13, right?" Photograph via iStock.

Oh yeah, and the song'south narrator also point-blank refers woman he's leaving as:

A child, I'k told

That'southward correct. In addition to being a run-of-the-manufacturing plant passive-ambitious jerk — turns out, he's as well perhaps a pedophile.

Even if we are to accept that this is a metaphor and she'due south not really a child — which there'due south no indication information technology is, only OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly choose an immature partner reflects way more poorly on him than it does on her.

Breaking up with anyone in such a savage, dismissive style is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.

Which, I suppose, may be the point.

4. "Leaving on a Jet Plane," by John Denver

Who has two thumbs and wrote a bittersweet folk song about hurtling through the stratosphere in a giant aluminum tube at 600 miles per hr?

This guy. Photo by Hughes Television Network/Wikimedia Commons.

Hither'due south why information technology sounds romantic:

"Leaving on a Jet Plane" is a lovely song. And impressive in its loveliness because jet planes were still kind of new at the time it was written.

'Cause I'thou leavin' on a jet aeroplane

To a modern ear, this would be sort of similar singing, "I'g a scoooting away on my hoverboooooard," but in a way that'due south somehow still folksy and heartbreaking and singable by nine-year-olds at summer campsite. Not easy to do!

Oh babe, I hate to go

You see — he hates to go! He just hates it! We know this, considering he tells us he hates it. And why would he hate to become if he didn't beloved his partner just that much?

See ya! Photo by Altair78/Wikimedia Eatables.

Why indeed?

Hither's why it's actually not that romantic at all:

All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the world tin can only distract and then much from the fact that the song's main character is well, kind of a jerkweed.

And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn't actually seem similar he hates being away all that much:

There's so many times I've permit y'all down

So many times I've played effectually

I tell you now, they don't hateful a affair

"Babe, I promise! All the movies I watched solitary while you were home nursing the quadruplets. All the times I drained our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to do! Really fun. Like, I had a fantastic fourth dimension. But rest assured — completely empty, in an ontological sense."

"Equally empty every bit this bed I merely finished having sex with someone else in." Photo via iStock.

Yes, when you pause it down, "Leaving on a Jet Aeroplane," is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming altitude and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he's "skillful" despite all evidence to the contrary.

And for all he claims to exist broken up almost having to part from his 1 and only, the dude seems pretty excited about the flight. Oh, you're leaving on a jet aeroplane, are you? Are you lot Zone ane? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter nearly the "terrible" Cibo express salad yous were forced to asphyxiate down as you sat waiting to commence on your fun, mysterious adventure?

"Life and then hard @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photograph by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Commons.

He continues:

Ev'ry place I go, I'll recollect of you lot

Ev'ry song I sing, I'll sing for you

Ah absurd. He'll think about her while strumming and making "my love is frail as the morning dew" eyes at a waif-y grad educatee in the front row. That pretty much makes up for information technology all.

Then he demands:

And so osculation me and grin for me

Tell me that you'll look for me

After all the betrayal and heartbreak, subsequently basically revealing himself to exist a course-A sleaze who can't be trusted, he nonetheless has the gall to tell her to wait? To look for him?

And here's the kicker:

When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring

Ah yes. He'll put a ring on it. Finally.

"Ehhhhhhh...." Photo via iStock.

Unlike all the previous trips, where he's cheated a billion times, drained the family bank account, and just been a full general screwup and disappointment.

But yeah. This time he says he'll bring back a wedding ring.

I hope she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks back.

5. "When a Man Loves a Adult female," Percy Sledge

When yous wait upwards "soul" in the dictionary, the book plays you a recording of this song.

Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photo past Factor Pugh/Flickr.

Specifically, it plays you lot the very first line.

Here's why it sound very romantic:

When a man loves a woman

Certain, you can write the lyrics downward, but information technology doesn't even come close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The delicious, delicious pain-belting:

WHEN A Human being LOVES A WOMAN

Closer ... but still no.

WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!

Yeah! Sing it, Percy Sledge!

Information technology'southward an elemental lyric.

Information technology'due south a middle-shattering lyric.

Information technology's a lyric that demands yous put your back into it.

It'due south perfection.

As long equally you don't keep listening.

Here's why the song is actually pretty horrifying:

From the opening lines of "When a Human being Loves a Woman," we know that, at least on occasion, a man loves a woman.

Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said adult female?

He'd give up all his comforts

And sleep out in the rain

If she said that's the manner

It ought to be.

Whoa! OK. No. Back up. A homo, no thing how devoted, no affair how selfless, no matter how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a human will die of exposure and hypothermia.

Plough his back on his best friend if he put her downwards.

No! Jeez. No. A homo can't put upwards with that kind of isolating behavior. A human being needs friends! In one case a man's whole support organization erodes out from under him, a man will be bitter, ungrounded, and lone. And a man'south mental health volition deteriorate.

I gave you everything I have

Tryin' to hold on to your heartless love

Babe, please don't treat me bad.

This is not what happens "when a man loves a adult female." Information technology's what happens when a man loves a controlling, manipulative woman. An calumniating woman. A woman who, in truth, only loves a adult female. Herself.

"It'due south Chris or me." Photo by geralt/Pixabay.

And that's not healthy.

Run, Percy Sledge, run! We're here for yous.

(Side note: Lest it go unsaid, there is way more than one fashion for a homo to love a woman. Maybe they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the olfactory organ. Maybe they sleep in separate bedrooms. Maybe they dress up in big, costly cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a man loves a man, I imagine information technology feels much the same. Or when a woman loves a woman. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)

Regardless of the depth of commitment, living situation, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, at that place's no one-size-fits-all love solution. Every human relationship is a unique snowflake. Variety is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. There'south more than than i way to skin a cat. A spoonful of saccharide helps the medicine go down.

It doesn't matter if it's the right metaphor, as long as information technology'southward a metaphor. Photograph by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.

Point being: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And please, seek help! You tin do this! And if you e'er find yourself in a like state of affairs, please give these people a call.

half-dozen. "All I Wanna Practise is Make Dear to You lot," Heart

Honestly, Heart could sing a list of the almost popular AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie'due south Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/World's All-time Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and it would make me want to bawl my eyes out in the arms of a tall, dark stranger at the cease of a pier.

This song is perfect. You should always be listening to it. If you lot're not listening to it now, smack yourself in the confront and Google it. It's just that of import.

I am singing the phone volume. You are weeping like a tiny baby. Photo by FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.

And so much passion. So much pain. So much hair.

Hither'southward why it sounds romantic:

Over pounding drums and a soaring tune, Heart sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson deliver a cardinal tribute to the 1 truthful romantic fantasy shared by every living beingness on Earth: picking up an unnervingly bonny human being for ane night of listen-blowing sex and then releasing him back into the wild to bone — but never quite as compellingly ever once more.

They sing:

It was a rainy nighttime when he came into sight

Standing by the road, no umbrella, no coat

So I pulled up alongside and I offered him a ride

He accepted with a grinning so we drove for a while

I don't have to become on because y'all know what happens next, and it's awesome.

"I merely sit in this motel. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photo by Rene Asmussen/Pexels.

Now, here'southward why this song is non romantic at all:

The relationship in "All I Wanna Exercise" seems too good to be true. And it is. Because it's non an every bit loving ,or even every bit brawny, pairing at all.

It's a...

Information technology'due south a...

Well. You know what it is:

Good at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photo by Pikawil/Flickr.

For a while, things are bustling along merely fine, like any wholesome, illicit, anonymous affair should:

I didn't ask him his proper noun, this solitary male child in the rain

Fate, tell me it's right, is this love at first sight?

Sure, many of us might hesitate to option up a foreign leather-jacket-clad man standing on the side of the road for a no-strings-attached screw, but our narrator only has a feeling well-nigh this guy, and sometimes, you gotta go with your gut.

I can respect that.

We made magic that night

He did everything right

Keen! Seems like it was a skillful determination. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off big time.

But then, without warning, the song starts to sound less similar an all-fourth dimension corking romance and more like a story men'south rights activists tell each other as they vape around a campfire:

I told him "I am the bloom, you are the seed

We walked in the garden, we planted a tree

Don't try to find me, please don't you cartel

Only live in my retentiveness, you'll always be there"

I'm non a poet. Symbolic language oft eludes me. Only unless "flower," "seed," "garden," and "tree," of a sudden mean wildly different things in the context of human reproduction than they take since sex was kickoff invented in the early-1970s, we're talking most a surprise, not-mutually-consensual pregnancy!

HELLO! Photograph by Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Commons.

Of course, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. You might be tempted to think, "Possibly Middle meant something else past that."

To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:

Then information technology happened one 24-hour interval

We came round the aforementioned way

You tin imagine his surprise

When he saw his own eyes

There are two possibilities here.

I: The narrator of the song is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York City subway ad from nine years ago:

Photo by eyedonation.org.

Or ii: She totally conned a dude into whipping up a baby on the sly.

I said, "Please, please understand

Ah, sure. Yeah. No worries.

I'one thousand in love with another human being

Cool, so this all makes sense and is in no style the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has now wrecked non one but two lives.

And what he couldn't give me, oh, no

Was the one trivial matter that y'all tin"

A HUMAN LIFE! A Existent SENTIENT HUMAN LIFE THAT IS NOT INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!

The best y'all can say well-nigh that is that it's not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket man probably should have been responsible for his ain birth command. Or, at the very least, asked more questions .

Merely ... it's not cute. Information technology's not romantic (fifty-fifty the Wilson sisters themselves concord).

And at the end of the day, the shadiest character in this song is somehow not the rain-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the night.

Which... is saying something.

Just there is a love song that is truly, madly, securely perfect. An unassailable track in a sea of problematic faves.

A song that does everything right.

A song that paints a portrait of a healthy partnership built to last.

A song that can double every bit a manual for the platonic human romantic human relationship.

And that vocal is...

"Candy Shop," by fifty Cent, featuring Olivia

Here's why y'all might be — OK, almost definitely are — skeptical:

l Cent (50) and that guy. You lot know, that guy? That guy! Photo past Ethan Miller/Getty Images.

As tricky every bit "Candy Shop" is, as fun it is to dance to, and as cathartic equally it tin can exist to scream in the middle of a crowded fraternity house at 2 a.m., in that location'southward no getting around the fact that the song begins like this:

I'll take you to the processed store

I'll let you lick the lollipop

I'll post that once more, in instance yous missed some of the nuance:

I'll accept yous to the processed store

I'll let you lick the lollipop

Way to have one for the team, narrator of "Candy Shop"!

At first glance, "Processed Store" is nobody's thought of a classic dearest vocal.

The lyrics are ... unusually forrard. The vanquish is kinda basic. The hook is similar the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily by in "Homeland."

OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."

Information technology doesn't get played much anymore. When it does resurface, it feels ... kinda dated. Similar watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" on your new Xbox 360.

It's not a vocal you'd put on a mixtape for your crush. It's non a song yous'd play for your spouse when the kids are at home with the babysitter and y'all've got 9 hours to tear up the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It's certainly non a song yous'd include on the video photo montage you made for your grandparents' silver ceremony.

Information technology'southward only not.

But it should be.

And then hither it is. Here'south why "Candy Shop" by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia, is actually the perfect relationship song:

You wanna dorsum that thing up or should I push up on it? Photo past ionasnicolae/Pixabay.

The bass drum hits. The MIDI violins whine. The vocaliser starts filling out his fellatio permission sideslip. It'due south only been 20 seconds, and y'all're already getting ready to hang it up with "Candy Shop."

But then ... over the square thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the course of a female voice joining the track, cut through the din like a clarion call.

She sings:

I'll take you to the candy shop (yeah)

Male child, one sense of taste of what I got (uh-huh)

I'll have you spendin' all you got (come on)

Keep going 'til y'all striking the spot, whoa

It'southward mutual! It's mutual! They're performing oral sex on each other!

Ring the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!

Get, cunnilingus doves, go! Photograph by liz due west/Flickr.

50 Cent himself may not be the globe'southward greatest partner — for example, according to ane of his exes, he's done some pretty unforgivable things.

But the narrator of "Processed Store"? He gets it:

You could accept it your way, how practice you want information technology?

Rather than only imposing his desires on the person he'southward with — a la the dude in "God Only Knows ("I'm going to invest my entire sense of self-worth in you!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'thou going to treat yous like a chest total of gold doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Practice is Brand Love to Y'all," ("I'm going to trick you into knocking me up!") — the "Candy Store" guy actually asks his partner what she wants.

Which, in the world of popular music, is skillful for nearly 50,000 trillion points.

And where are they going to do information technology? The hotel? Dorsum of the rental? The beach? The park?

It'south whatever yous're into

'Cause consent is sexy!

I ain't finished teaching y'all 'bout how sprung I got ya

The narrator of "Candy Store" is certainly ... assertive most his desires.

But here's the central thing: the lady on the receiving end of those desires? She's clearly into information technology. And we know this because she says and so.

The lines of consent in "Candy Shop" are vivid cherry-red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly sticky club flooring.

Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is exterior trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo past Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.

Daughter what nosotros do ...

And where we exercise ...

The things we do ...

Are just between me and you

No matter how nasty they freak, information technology will be intimate. It will exist private. In that location volition be no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).

If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho

Sexual compatibility is key to the survival of any relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very possibly in the instance of "Processed Shop") minutes long.

She may have a high sex drive, but dude is graciously offering to adapt her. What a gentleman! These crazy kids only might become the distance later on all.

And at the end of the day, what is a relationship merely two nymphos, sharing health insurance?

Thanks, Obamacare! Photo by Wonderlane/Flickr.

It'due south like it's a race who could get undressed quicker

Over again, everybody is having a great time. And, critically, an equally great fourth dimension.

I touch the right spot at the right time

Of course, it wouldn't be a pop/hip-hop striking without a spot of random braggadocio, but if we're to accept him at his word, "Candy Shop" guy is at least as good at "doing everything right" every bit the anonymous hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Do is Make Dearest to You" — except without all the creepy surprise baby nonsense.

The "Candy Shop" guy is a keeper. Because he'southward not a hero or a stranger in the night or a funky, shimmering love god. He's a good partner.

"Candy Shop" is raunchy. Information technology'south dirty. Information technology's non your grandmother'due south love song.

But when yous strip away the swagger, the back beat, and the weird strings from "Best of Public Domain Middle Eastern Music 1993," by the cease of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the cease of the twenty-four hour period, isn't that what a good for you relationship is all about?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Photo by Francois Durand/Getty Images.

Then seductive.

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Source: https://www.upworthy.com/6-songs-that-seem-romantic-but-arent-and-one-that-seems-like-it-isnt-but-is

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